Dear chronically “nice guys,”
After all these years, you may be tempted to think I am one of you. It certainly may appear that I am from the outside, but I am here to tell you that I am not another guy in your “nice guy” club. I may have been once, but I’m not anymore.
Sure, I’m still kind to the women I date, most of the time.
I’m romantic to them, most of the time.
I’m sweet, and thoughtful, and caring, and attentive, most of the time.
I actually am nice, most of the time.
But a classic “nice guy?” No, thanks. And let me tell you why I’ll never let myself be trapped within the confines of “nice guy syndrome” again.
It was purely by accident that I discovered the actual truth behind the sentiment that women do tend to prefer assholes (bear with me here). I had always had “nice guy syndrome” to a degree you wouldn’t believe, and I lived in constant, deep fear of every being seen as anything but.
The following moment happened the last night of my life that I was ever part of the “nice guy” club.
There was a woman I had been on several dates with who had developed feelings for me. I (for whatever reason) wasn’t feeling the same thing with her, and I did what I always do in such situations. I tried to end it as the nice guy. I tried to let her down easy. I tried to make her believe it had nothing at all to do with her. I did everything I could to spare her feelings and not feel rejected.
Nothing I tried work. She was distraught, yet found some weird hope with every word I said. She fought to keep me in her life. She became frantic to work it out and not let it fall apart. No matter how nice I was, she just wasn’t getting the message, and finally I was just an asshole to her.
“Look, I don’t know how to get this through any more clearly,” I snapped out of nowhere. I had never snapped like that in a situation like that. “I do not want to date you anymore.”
She just stopped. She stared at me. She said nothing for a moment. Then she said something that would change my mind about always being the nice guy forevermore. She said, “I really wish you would have just said that in the first place instead of making me feel like you weren’t good enough for me.” And that was that.
I’m sure there are many reasons a lot of women are drawn to assholes, and I dare not speak for the opposite sex too much here, but I have come to believe there is one really big reason.
With an asshole, at least women tend to know exactly where they stand with things.
Us nice guys, we pussy foot around women’s feelings. We are cowards and won’t admit when we don’t love the women (or men) who fall in love with us, or that our feelings have changed. We don’t communicate properly for fear of hurting women or looking like the bad guy. We don’t actually solve a lot of the problems in our relationships because we think just being nice or caring should be enough to get us through anything. We just want to “let everything go” and “not worry about it!”
Look. I’m just going to say it… Chronically being the nice guy, in so many situations, is the absolute most cowardly thing to do. Being the nice guy in those moments is not about what the woman wants or needs; it’s about what makes you feel like a good and decent person. In other words, you are caring more about yourself than about her. In even more words, you are being selfish.
Be nice to those you love, absolutely. Be kind. Be sweet. Be romantic. Be caring. Be attentive. Be all the things that you are as a nice guy. They are incredible traits to have, and I highly doubt any woman doesn’t want you to have those traits. I didn’t stop doing any of those things once I stopped being a chronically “nice guy.” If you love someone, you should absolutely strive to be all those things for her, as often as you can.
At the same time, just be sure to be an asshole when you need to be one for the better good. Be an “asshole of a nice guy,” I guess is what I am trying to say.
Don’t lead women on to keep from letting them down. Don’t drag things on longer than you should to keep from seeing them hurt. Don’t fail to communicate and get into the nitty and gritty between you for fear of somehow not looking the part of the “nice guy.”
Making sure you don’t do those things is the actual nice and kind thing to do for any human being.
It’s the non-cowardly thing to do for any person you care about.
It’s the thing you should always do if you really are the “nice guy” you say you are.
To always be the nice guy is to take an ice cream spoon to a mountainside and try to chip away to its center. No matter how good the view, or how majestic the mountain, sometimes you just need some dynamite to get to the diamonds inside.
Do women really prefer and want actual douchebag assholes? Of course, they don’t. Not most of them, anyway. At least not the ones I know. But the fact that being with a super nice guy is less preferable than being with at least a bit of an asshole to a lot of people out there should make you take a step back and wonder just what all the actual reasons are that such a phenomenon might be.
Dan Pearce | Dan Pearce Was Here (formerly Single Dad Laughing)
