As you are now aware, I am in the process of sharing my final thoughts with the world, while I have the platform to do so, one message at a time.
Today’s message contains my final words and thoughts to those who still, even as grown-ass adults, call names when they fight or argue.
Dear friends,
When you fight or argue with someone else, stop calling names. Not only is it absolutely childish, it also does nothing but escalate whatever fight you’re fighting, and it is a really dirty way to have a disagreement with someone.
Most adults move past basic playground name calling of things like, “fat lard” and “retard,” but there is actually quite a big percentage of adults (I have found) who just learn how to call names more acutely when they fight instead.
“You’re so stupid” or “you’re an idiot” are probably the two most common “names” I have heard adults call other adults. These people disagree with someone about something, and it’s just so much easier to declare the other person stupid for having different thoughts of how things ought to be.
I really hate when anyone calls anyone else “stupid.” Not only is it degrading to the other person, it is actually an attempt to obliterate 100% of the validity of whatever the other person is saying or thinking in a single blow. Calling someone else stupid during an argument is arrogance at its finest, and (to me) it is also very much a sign that the person saying it does not actually understand intelligence or personal validation at all.
I have no idea why, in this world of infinite ideas and viewpoints, so many people think that there is literally only one right way to do or see so many things. To attack another person’s intelligence is to fail to understand that that person’s intelligence is just different. Every person on Earth with a functioning mentality has certain areas of life where their intelligence is genius or close to it. Likewise, everyone also has certain areas of life where their intelligence is absolutely inferior. In other words, no matter how dumb or smart we are, we are all smart and we are all dumb.
As for personal validation, how does any adult make it through decades of life without realizing that the number one rule of fighting should be learning to validate the other person’s thoughts or feelings? How does any adult not understand that especially when two people disagree strongly about something, to tell someone that their way of thinking is valid and okay is the quickest way to receive the same validation in return, thereby leading to a much more productive disagreement?
“You’re so stupid!” Do people even realize how stupid they sound when they blurt this out at another human being? “You’re an idiot!” Do people have any idea just how obtuse this makes them appear to be?
Name calling is the equivalent of throwing handfuls of sand into the eyes of one’s opponent so that they can’t see or function properly while the sand is heavily bothering them.
Just a few of the other names people call each other are “dense,” “ridiculous,” “asinine,” “asshole,” “jerk,” and perhaps another favorite of those adults who never really grow up…
“Crazy.”
“Crazy,” for many of the same reasons that “stupid” and “idiotic” are terrible names to call another person, is an attempted end-all be-all for the person who shouts it.
To tell someone they are crazy or nuts is to hoist oneself up onto a pedestal of sanity while literally discounting everything the other person does or thinks. After all, if a person is crazy, then there is absolutely no argument or train of thought that can escape the other person’s mouth that can be considered even a tiny bit valid. Crazy people don’t say or do valid and logical things after all.
Disagreements are a part of life. Arguments are a part of life. What shouldn’t be a part of life is calling other people names during those disagreements in the name of conflict resolution.
Calling names during arguments does nothing but make the other person get defensive or discouraged. It heightens the fight instead of resolving it. It escalates everything to the point that neither parties involved can actually solve anything. No good ever comes from name calling during a fight.
On top of that, name calling is just childish. It shows an incredible lack of emotional maturity, as well as an incredible inability to communicate functionally with other humans.
So, why keep doing it?
If you do get into an argument with someone, do yourself a favor and repeat the following after me…
“I hear what you’re saying. I understand what you’re saying. What you are saying is 100% completely valid. Is it okay if I share a point of view that’s a bit different?”
If you can learn to say that phrase, in whatever form you say it, you will watch almost magically as armor comes off, defenses are dropped, and as the person you are arguing with starts caring about you and your needs a lot more.
If you do accidentally find yourself calling someone a name, immediately acknowledge that you did so and immediately apologize. Tell the person you’re with that you’re not okay doing that, and that they deserve better. You will see the same almost magical positive effects happen.
There is more than one right way to do most things. There is more than one right way to think about most things. There is more than one right way to feel about most things. If you can remember that and keep from calling other people names, you will make your life (and the lives of those you care about) so much easier.
Dan Pearce | Dan Pearce Was Here (formerly Single Dad Laughing)
